I want a Big-Ass Birthday Party...

Over the years, I have made my family and friends swear & certify in blood that they would not make a big deal over my 50th birthday. I have always cringed when a co-worker gets awarded the delightful "office full of plastic vultures" gag, or made to suffer eating a piece of black cake. No, I did not want to suffer the embarrassment of everyone making a big deal over the fact that I am getting old.

However, as 2012 draws near, my attitude has changed thank god.  I can hear the collective sigh of relief now!  This change in attitude is not a result of some new found spiritual awakening brought on by the 2012, end-of-the-world prophecy. Oh no, I refuse to become a devoted supporter of the Nostradamus predictions, spending my days and nights searching the internet for deals on survival kits. Why you ask?  Because I do not believe in predictions and banking my life on the prophecy of some dude alive during the 1500's French Renaissance!

There, I said it! Waiting...waiting...for the phone calls....  Wait, let me put my phone on voice mail for a sec.

There, now let me explain.  I am not a follower. I have always believed that my brain is a pretty good one & I trust it to carry me forward to make the right decisions. I never buy the latest gadget just because everyone else does and my motto has always been, "I'll believe it when I see it."  Now that does not mean that I do not have faith, nor does it mean that I am an atheist. It just means that I refuse to listen to a bunch of different interpretations of a future event and assume it will turn out as predicted. That being said, I awoke one day last week and thought it very strange that someone with this much confidence and independent thought would be afraid to admit to growing old, or even be embarrassed by the fact. Why should I be?

Maybe a little background.... For the past 37 years, I have been constantly reminded of my mortality. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with juvenile (type 1, insulin dependent) diabetes. My older brother had already been handed that doomed diagnosis 13 years earlier at the age of 11. My family ( and rightly so) thought they were on a target list. My parents, especially my father, did not take it very well. Needless to say I, like my brother, embarked on a life of being watched, denied, guarded, told what and what not to eat, poked and prodded, and preached to repeatedly on the dangers of anything less than perfect control.  And that my friends, was just at home.

On the outside, Doctors repeatedly told me the same but added, don't drink, don't smoke, be careful so you don't get hurt and develop infections, no strange food and by all means do not get pregnant without perfect blood sugar control(I even had one doctor tell me once- "never have children"). To add insult to injury, Doctors explained to me that even if I followed all the rules to perfection, "this, this and this" will happen to your body anyway. In other words, old age will come early. 

A person can only endure so many negatives in a lifetime so I instigated what any normal teenager in their right mind would do - a rebellion!  Even though I stayed pretty healthy I insisted on enjoying life and not denying myself as much as "they" wanted me to.  My older brother died at the very young age of 31 as a result of, you guessed it, complications from diabetes. His death only drove home my fragile mortality and I developed a "screw it I'm gonna die anyway" attitude.  I did not become suicidal, I just began to love life & treat each day like it would be my last. It never crossed my mind that I would live past the age of 40 much less 50! I suppose that is why I have always resisted the idea of celebrating old age-to me insisting on being peter pan kept the early sickness, and my ultimate end at bay.  

(Even though you didn't ask for a long story...you got one anyway dammit!)

This year I will be 48 and I have given birth to four beautiful babies, three in perfect health and one angelic little girl (RIP 7/1999) with multiple birth defects (NOT caused by the diabetes). In addition, I have traveled, earned several degrees, loved, cried, had my heart broken but healed and loved again, eaten dessert, enjoyed red wine, made many mistakes (sigh) and my body shows all the scars.

THIS is why I awoke that one day last week

and suddenly decided that in two years

when I turn 50 - I WANT ONE BIG-ASS BIRTHDAY PARTY.  (Instructions to follow)  :-)