Where am I Going? and A Website to Share

"Whatever you are by nature, keep it; never desert your line of talent. Be what nature intended you for, and you will succeed."
Sydney Smith, writer and cleric

Creativity seemed to take another vacation yesterday.


I made a feeble attempt last night but was severely distracted. My partner insisted on watching Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo which for some strange reason kept bleeding my brain cells dry. It was like passing a really horrific train wreak, you feel bad for the victims but you can not help but watch.

And that was it for the evening. My desire to write only took me as far as opening blogger and staring at the blank "new post" page. Even after a fair nights sleep, getting up and to my office was difficult because I was feeling rather lame and disappointed in myself for not writing something. Several times before arriving at the office I asked myself "Why are you even trying?"

You see, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a job that I enjoy, and work in a comfortable environment with good people that all get along.  I know that I could be doing more, but with the current economy I don't dare make changes. Given my current creative block, it would be foolish to give it up to make more time for writing , especially since I am not very good at it anyway.  Doubt begins to creep in, along with regret, which leads to resentment.  By the time I arrived at work the DRR was at full throttle!

This morning the light in my foggy, lesion filled brain was switched on by a very dear Internet friend named Mastin Kipp. He is not aware that I consider him a friend or that I quite often find inspiration from his work but each morning I can count on an email from Mastin's beautiful website The Daily Love  The email is filled with inspirational quotes, links to great authors and Mastin's own "Affirmations" for the day. 

Today's Affirmations from Mastin really filled me with such hope and I would like to share it with you here;
" I see life through the lens of abundance!"

"What I see in other's is a reflection of the same in me!"

"I trust my talents and express them fearlessly!"

"I am grateful for change because I know it always brings new energy into my life!"

I plan on saying this to myself everyday, or at least try to.  For some reason, Mastin's e-mail was sent to me at just the right time and I am grateful.   Please visit his page and sign up for this e-mail gem soon!!!

 

It's Tuesday and I have nothing more to say...

Dear Sleep....please visit me tonight. I know you have been here several nights before but I need you to stay this time more than 4 hours.  Thanks to an occasional dirty martini, or a full 24 hours without sleep, you allow me 8 hours of bliss.  Lately you have been AWOL!

The sounds I hear at night during these sleepless hours are ear-piercing.  My body jolts upward at the sounds of Pasha's small paws scratching to open a drawer located 100's of square feet away.  "GO TO SLEEP CAT!!!"

Does anyone have an atlas road map that will direct me to the dreams of the gods?   Perhaps my writing would be oh so much better if  the dreams would return.   HELP!

Another Manic Monday...

Mr. J.C. Penny tells us..."I am grateful for all my problems. After each one was overcome, I became stronger and more able to meet those that were still to come. I grew in my difficulties."

Thank you Mr. Penny for that little bit of wisdom. I agree with you wholeheartedly and embrace this wisdom as my own but I wish to add the following:

(1) Nothing in this statement allows for my right to kick, scream, cuss or whine a problem through to its end.  I exert this right with every problematic situation I find myself in. Personally, I find great strength with every dammit, every tear I shed, and every physical punishment I apply to my person. Even though it might make everyone around me feel uncomfortable, these things pump me up for whatever the battle might bring to me. Therefore, I would end this quote with the following caveat, "I fight and I fight hard - please take cover and take nothing I say or do personally."

(2) Sometimes I make a mountain out of an opened box belonging to Pandora. In other words, I create my own catastrophes most of the time. For these self-created challenges I am not so grateful like Mr. Penny. Although, I do learn from the problems and life-challenges created by moi better than those fate hands me.  After all, when you find out that you are the cause of a personal set-back and there is no one left to blame, what possible solution is left?  Only this, Learn, Change, Take Control!

 I do love this quote from Mr. Penny and I try my best. But since I make so many problems and challenges for myself, I sure wish life and fate would stop handing me new ones!

A Long Weekend and A New Journal

What a Waste!  I got nothing accomplished this weekend -ZERO! I could not manage a creative thought and my camera still sits collecting dust.  What is wrong with me?

Since I was at home today nursing my sore foot, which has become quite colorful in the past 24 hours , my brain worked overtime to come up with ideas for this blog. "Maybe you should just start placing your daily journal here for everyone to see," my foggy brain told me.  Hmmm...ok, that is a start.

"Don't worry, I will come up with something entertaining," I informed my foggy brain.  "Anyway...you have too many white spots and we don't want those lesions to get the idea that they have any type of control."

For now, I will put this to rest and dream on it.  Maybe the journal thing is a good idea but I think it might take a good nights sleep to get it going.  Maybe some of my friends out there could offer an idea up.

Goodnight my friends!

HOLD ON! Addendum to Big Ass Birthday Party

Stop the Presses..stop making all those 50th birthday party plans for moi.  At least if you insist on helping me celebrate my golden years...don't invite these kids!

Mindset of The Class of 2014

I want a Big-Ass Birthday Party...

Over the years, I have made my family and friends swear & certify in blood that they would not make a big deal over my 50th birthday. I have always cringed when a co-worker gets awarded the delightful "office full of plastic vultures" gag, or made to suffer eating a piece of black cake. No, I did not want to suffer the embarrassment of everyone making a big deal over the fact that I am getting old.

However, as 2012 draws near, my attitude has changed thank god.  I can hear the collective sigh of relief now!  This change in attitude is not a result of some new found spiritual awakening brought on by the 2012, end-of-the-world prophecy. Oh no, I refuse to become a devoted supporter of the Nostradamus predictions, spending my days and nights searching the internet for deals on survival kits. Why you ask?  Because I do not believe in predictions and banking my life on the prophecy of some dude alive during the 1500's French Renaissance!

There, I said it! Waiting...waiting...for the phone calls....  Wait, let me put my phone on voice mail for a sec.

There, now let me explain.  I am not a follower. I have always believed that my brain is a pretty good one & I trust it to carry me forward to make the right decisions. I never buy the latest gadget just because everyone else does and my motto has always been, "I'll believe it when I see it."  Now that does not mean that I do not have faith, nor does it mean that I am an atheist. It just means that I refuse to listen to a bunch of different interpretations of a future event and assume it will turn out as predicted. That being said, I awoke one day last week and thought it very strange that someone with this much confidence and independent thought would be afraid to admit to growing old, or even be embarrassed by the fact. Why should I be?

Maybe a little background.... For the past 37 years, I have been constantly reminded of my mortality. At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with juvenile (type 1, insulin dependent) diabetes. My older brother had already been handed that doomed diagnosis 13 years earlier at the age of 11. My family ( and rightly so) thought they were on a target list. My parents, especially my father, did not take it very well. Needless to say I, like my brother, embarked on a life of being watched, denied, guarded, told what and what not to eat, poked and prodded, and preached to repeatedly on the dangers of anything less than perfect control.  And that my friends, was just at home.

On the outside, Doctors repeatedly told me the same but added, don't drink, don't smoke, be careful so you don't get hurt and develop infections, no strange food and by all means do not get pregnant without perfect blood sugar control(I even had one doctor tell me once- "never have children"). To add insult to injury, Doctors explained to me that even if I followed all the rules to perfection, "this, this and this" will happen to your body anyway. In other words, old age will come early. 

A person can only endure so many negatives in a lifetime so I instigated what any normal teenager in their right mind would do - a rebellion!  Even though I stayed pretty healthy I insisted on enjoying life and not denying myself as much as "they" wanted me to.  My older brother died at the very young age of 31 as a result of, you guessed it, complications from diabetes. His death only drove home my fragile mortality and I developed a "screw it I'm gonna die anyway" attitude.  I did not become suicidal, I just began to love life & treat each day like it would be my last. It never crossed my mind that I would live past the age of 40 much less 50! I suppose that is why I have always resisted the idea of celebrating old age-to me insisting on being peter pan kept the early sickness, and my ultimate end at bay.  

(Even though you didn't ask for a long story...you got one anyway dammit!)

This year I will be 48 and I have given birth to four beautiful babies, three in perfect health and one angelic little girl (RIP 7/1999) with multiple birth defects (NOT caused by the diabetes). In addition, I have traveled, earned several degrees, loved, cried, had my heart broken but healed and loved again, eaten dessert, enjoyed red wine, made many mistakes (sigh) and my body shows all the scars.

THIS is why I awoke that one day last week

and suddenly decided that in two years

when I turn 50 - I WANT ONE BIG-ASS BIRTHDAY PARTY.  (Instructions to follow)  :-)

This is sooo very powerful!

Please take a moment to read this.  It is sooo very powerful. 

I am....

Date Nite!!

Ok guys and gals, it is date night again for the grown-ups. My baby and I are meeting up with some friends for drinks, then heading to the theatre to watch "Dinner For Schmucks"  Hopefully, I will refrain from getting too toasted and can manage to write a review tonight.  
Ok, I know, you are thinking to yourself, "I will not hold my breath."   Alright smarty-pants, I will at least have one ready and posted tomorrow morning!

Just remember!  Peace!

Conflicts

I love writing...but sometimes life gets in the way.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life and everyone in it.  But at the same time, there are so many ideas running wild in my head and no time to get them all on paper.  I need to finish a short story by tomorrow and am two days behind on articles but work, kid schedules and housework keep throwing up detour signs in front of me.
Oh but I am so very blessed to be busy.  My partner and I sometimes stop to reflect on what we would do if things came to a full stop.  We would probably just wither up and die.  So, I suppose I should just count all my blessings and tell all those thoughts and stories in my head to calm down, "I will get to you tomorrow!" 
Just like those darn lesions in my brain- go back to sleep!

Peace--

More Ghost...

My illness was too much for you, well no I guess I should say my illness was what brought you down. There I go again, taking the blame as I always do.
You hurt all of us in the effort to torture yourself.  Those multiple episodes of self flagellation effected more than your phyiscal body.  Maybe it is easier to ask "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Maybe if you had been stronger?
It doesn't matter anymore....there is no one left to blame but me.  You are gone.  But even so , I torment myself daily to get rid of your ghost.  Maybe I am no different eh? 
After all......I am the spitting image.

Ghosts....

Many times when sitting alone in my home reading or at my computer writing,
I am overwhelmed with the sudden smell of cigarette smoke.

The smell is faint but at the same time suffocating.
My memory is stirred and I recall Him, blowing smoke rings to entertain me,
late at night when neither of us could sleep.

Nirvana

Nirvana....The unconditioned mind (asankhata), a mind that has come to a point of perfect lucidity.


I love listening to Nirvana’s music (for a few moments at a time) but I long for THIS kind of Nirvana. A soul in true Nirvana is at peace with the world, has compassion for all and gives up obsessions and fixations. For so many years, my goal has been to reach this state of being and I work at it daily. It is a difficult task and even though I feel that I am close, set backs occur from time to time.

I long for a time when ALL humans can learn to attain a sense of Nirvana. Even though I am very willing, this sense of being takes all of us. We are from different places, different cultures and backgrounds but we all have one thing in common -we are simply human beings with basic needs. If I see a fellow human being in need, I would give to him anything I could spare regardless of his skin color or his status in the community.

I refuse to judge a fellow human being for choices he/she makes for their own life and I am amazed at the number of us that do this daily. We need to all get our own houses in order before judging others please.

Peace and love to all my friends.....